Here in the rust belt our brains are firmly tuned to the internal combustible.  We at The Rivalry, Esq. say why reject a metaphorical opportunity to shift gears and take the offenses of the Big 10 for a spin?  You look at an offense and see Lycra, calf muscles, and pads.  We see cylinders, gear boxes, and tachometers.

Without further adieu, if your favorite Big 10 offense was a car, it'd be a...

1. 2002 Pontiac Sunfire SE (Indiana Hoosiers)

Looks fast, and so do Kellen Lewis, Marcus Thigpen, and the rest of the defend the rock jocks.  The numbers are showroom shiny, too.  The third best offense in the conference averages 6.1 yards a play and 424 yards a game.  But while this may be an okay ride to inherit as a hand-me-down from your older sister when you're 16, this pseudo sport chassis gets the shakes above 80 mph.  That's the speed, incidentially, of Big 10 conference play.  Despite scoring 31 and 45 points in its opening out of conference games, the Hoosiers have struggled, managing 20, 29, 7, and 9 points against Big 10 opponents.  The good news, there's plenty of cup holders.  Which makes sense, because this offense is better suited for the drive-through than the track.

Indiana Hoosiers.

2. 2007 Ford Mustang Automatic (Wisconsin Badgers)

Great horsepower for the buck, but this modern muscle is overfed, and outdated.  Unlike the 1968 Shelby used by the Dukes of Hazzard, this ride doesn't have a prayer of getting off the ground.  Sounds like Wisconsin's passing game.

3. 1975 Porsche 911 Turbo (Purdue Boilermakers)

Smart looking, and devilishly deceptive.  Don't let Curtis Painter's 10,216 career passing yards fool you -- he's frequently as loose as this Porsche's handling.  With no power steering, many an unsuspecting driver has wrapped this pocket rocket around a tree.  If Curtis Painter's 23 for 51 performance against Ohio State shows anything it's that inaccuracy kills.

Purdue Boilermakers.

4. 1998 BMW Z3 (Illinois Fighting Illini)

Smart, sophisticated, and paper thin, this roadster looks good from a distance but fumbles under pressure.  It's also subject to rollovers turnovers.

5. 1995 Infiniti Q45 (Iowa Hawkeyes)

Nicely balanced, a little worn down, the Hawkeyes have laid down a respectable 1309 yards on the ground and 1399 yards in the air.  Still, this analog effort has seen better days -- just like this sedan that seems to have been relegated to mall parking lots.

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"Taking steps forward." Whether you're in AA or trying to date someone, this expression is key to success...It appears that the 2008 Purdue Boilermaker football team has failed to follow the aforementioned phrase. Proof? Saturday's 17 point loss to a beatable Notre Dame team, veteran QB Curtis Painter's inability to manage an offense he has been running for four years, the linebackers inability to stop the run....

Painter, because he is the QB at a Big 10 school, is sure to take brunt of the blame. A four year veteran with a strong arm and good size, Painter was supposed to lead the Boilermakers through their brutal schedule. Instead, Painter had shown an inability to finish drives with TD passes and as one Purdue follower commented, seems to have developed the "yips," ala Rick Ankiel whipping the ball to the backstop in 2001. Painters stats Saturday are a microcosm of his overall inconsistency:

29-55, 359 yards, 2 touchdowns, 1 INT (returned for a TD)

What happens now? The undersized LB's couldn't stop the normally decrepit ND running game, giving up 201 yards on the ground...so the thought of physical Big 10 play probably doesn't give Boilermaker fans anything to look forward to. Purdue is currently 2-2, but could easily be 2-5, with consecutive games versus Penn State, Ohio State, and surprising Northwestern. You better believe Evan Royster, Beanie Wells, and Tyrelle Sutton are licking their chops.

Off the Tracks, Purdue Blogger: "We succeeded only in making Jimmy Clausen looks like Joe Montana and Armando Allen look like Marcus Allen."