So it's Thursday afternoon.  Arguably the worst time of the week for a college football fan.  You're at work staring complacently at the Quorum panels in front of your desk.  It's not Friday yet, so there's no excuse to waste three hours on ESPN.com.  Still, that doesn't make you any less psyched for Saturday. 

We at The Rivalry, Esq. know your dilemma, and have taken affirmative steps to ensure that when (inevitably) you do give in and pop your Internet Explorer browser up like the lid of a toy chest you're productive in a different kind of way.

Today's concept is simple enough: in less than 72 hours No. 3 Penn State and No. 9 Ohio State will play under the lights on the banks of the Olentangy in what amounts to a Big Ten Conference Championship.  The Ohio State Athletic Department will bring in temporary 250 lux floodlighting kits to shower the historic stadium in a snow like albedo for the first night kickoff since 2005: when Vince Young and the Texas Longhorns visited Columbus and rode away with a national title.

250 Lux Floodlights will replace Columbus' trademark pillow gray sky in the first night game in the Horseshoe since 2005.

You're going to be there, or at least watching earnestly in the company of others.  We're committed to making sure -- two, three, six beers in -- you're the honorary sage of the group.  What that requires is being well versed in four basis categories of the game: 1. The scene 2. The stakes, 3. The spread, and 4. The intangibles.  Without further adieu. 

The People, the Tradition, the Excellence

Sure, it's Ohio State's public relations tag, but these three talons provide us with an excellent framework for digesting the cultural composition of the OSU/PSU rivalry.

At a Glance

From modest beginnings: Black Shoe Diaries chronicles the first ever Ohio State/Penn State game in 1912.  It turned out to be the last for 44 years.

The new border war: Bucknuts.com gives us an in-depth synopsis of all 23 games.  Pay special attention to 1996-1998.  These years marked the nucleus of the struggle.

Poisonous nut?  This link (warning: slightly educational) gives informational about the species, history, and folklore surrounding Aesculus glabra, or Ohio's native Buckeye Tree.

Algonquian lion?  Here, you'll find out everything you need to know about the Nittany (lone) mountain lion.

Who ever said the Big Ten doesn't have a championship game?

The implications for this one are pretty clear.  The winner, save an unfashionable fall from grace, will likely capture the Big Ten Conference crown.  If it's the favorites a victory will almost certainly catapult the Lions to an undefeated season, allowing them to capture a bid to the BCS National Championship Game in Miami.  That means the bested Buckeyes would have to set their sights on the runner-up Rose Bowl. 

If the home team, by contrast, takes it to the house, they'll Bring Chaos to the Standings, putting themselves in prime position for an unpopular return to the BCS National Championship for the third consecutive year.  If you haven't already, you can read why I'm rooting for Ohio State to make it back to the Game.

It doesn't get any bigger than this.

Statistically speaking, this one is a bit lopsided.  As Black Shoe Diaries surmises of the fifteen identifiable statistical categories, Penn State has the advanage in twelve.  If this game was played on paper, i'd be a long night for the Buckeyes.

Need a little more motion?  Todd McShay introduces the quarterback conflict in this ESPN video preview.

You can also tune into Philly.com for their coverage of the specific contours of the quarterback race: Terrelle Pryor versus Daryll Clark.

Wanna bet?  Are you willing to put your money where your mouth is?  Betonline.com has a helpful preview of the Ohio State/Penn State line.  The oddsmakers favor the Nittany Lions by 2.5 points.

And then there are the intangibles. 

The way I see it these operate as twofold: there's the home field advantage, and there's the weather. 

The Horseshoe is consistently ranked as one of the nation's 10 Toughest Places to Play College Football.  Penn State will be greeted Saturday by a rogue legion of some 105,708 angry, Columbusites, buoyed by an extended pre-game period of nervous diffusion and tailgating.  To be successful signal-callers they'll have to get the crowd out of this one fast.  Fortunately, for the scarlet we're not going down without a fight.

It's not often in life you get the chance to use the word stentorian.

Finally, there's the weather.  Saturday's forecast in Columbus calls for morning clouds followed by afternoon sun; a high of 57 and low of 42.  And, a 20 percent chance of precipitation. 

What impact, if any, a rain-soaked playing surface might have on the game, is debatable.  The Rivalry, Esq., thinks a wet ball and vertical torrents may stunt the growth of Jay Paterno's vaulted Spread HD offense.

Here in the rust belt our brains are firmly tuned to the internal combustible.  We at The Rivalry, Esq. say why reject a metaphorical opportunity to shift gears and take the offenses of the Big 10 for a spin?  You look at an offense and see Lycra, calf muscles, and pads.  We see cylinders, gear boxes, and tachometers.

Without further adieu, if your favorite Big 10 offense was a car, it'd be a...

1. 2002 Pontiac Sunfire SE (Indiana Hoosiers)

Looks fast, and so do Kellen Lewis, Marcus Thigpen, and the rest of the defend the rock jocks.  The numbers are showroom shiny, too.  The third best offense in the conference averages 6.1 yards a play and 424 yards a game.  But while this may be an okay ride to inherit as a hand-me-down from your older sister when you're 16, this pseudo sport chassis gets the shakes above 80 mph.  That's the speed, incidentially, of Big 10 conference play.  Despite scoring 31 and 45 points in its opening out of conference games, the Hoosiers have struggled, managing 20, 29, 7, and 9 points against Big 10 opponents.  The good news, there's plenty of cup holders.  Which makes sense, because this offense is better suited for the drive-through than the track.

Indiana Hoosiers.

2. 2007 Ford Mustang Automatic (Wisconsin Badgers)

Great horsepower for the buck, but this modern muscle is overfed, and outdated.  Unlike the 1968 Shelby used by the Dukes of Hazzard, this ride doesn't have a prayer of getting off the ground.  Sounds like Wisconsin's passing game.

3. 1975 Porsche 911 Turbo (Purdue Boilermakers)

Smart looking, and devilishly deceptive.  Don't let Curtis Painter's 10,216 career passing yards fool you -- he's frequently as loose as this Porsche's handling.  With no power steering, many an unsuspecting driver has wrapped this pocket rocket around a tree.  If Curtis Painter's 23 for 51 performance against Ohio State shows anything it's that inaccuracy kills.

Purdue Boilermakers.

4. 1998 BMW Z3 (Illinois Fighting Illini)

Smart, sophisticated, and paper thin, this roadster looks good from a distance but fumbles under pressure.  It's also subject to rollovers turnovers.

5. 1995 Infiniti Q45 (Iowa Hawkeyes)

Nicely balanced, a little worn down, the Hawkeyes have laid down a respectable 1309 yards on the ground and 1399 yards in the air.  Still, this analog effort has seen better days -- just like this sedan that seems to have been relegated to mall parking lots.

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Much has been made of Derrick Williams and his deluge of touchdowns Saturday night against Illinois. Much has also been made of Penn State's lofty #6 ranking. But before you begin praising Williams and purchasing tickets for the BCS national championship, let me give credit to other factors behind the Nittany Lion's success: Jay Paterno and quarterback Daryll Clark. JayPa successfully installed a brand new offensive system that features a (basically) first year quarterback throwing to a wide range of receivers out of a plethora of formations. And Clark, who is described as an athlete who just happens to have a great arm, has mastered this new offense and made a large amount of beautiful throws on NFL-like routes. Clark might be having one of those Brad Banks years when an athletic quarterback just happens to fall into an offense that allows him to throw and run effectively.

The Penn State Spread HD, as it has been called with so many voyeuristic winks, has been described by Paterno as including: 1. Multiple receiver sets, 2. zone reads, 3. option options, 4. rollouts, and 5. more passing than ever before. In this Spread, Clark has been asked to make throws that a first year QB in a new offense might not be so confident about.

One challenging throw is the 15-20 yard pass to a tight end or wide receiver streaking down the middle of the field. This is a popular NFL play because pros are so big and will go up in space to get the ball. Watch the first highlight here, where Clark hits WR Brett Backett with a perfectly thrown ball between four defenders. Jay Paterno has also instilled wheel routes (like the one Derrick Williams scored on v Illinois) and sideline routes when receivers get in 1 on 1 situations. Finally, Clark has spread the ball around efficiently, with Andrew Quarless, Mickey Shuler, and Evan Royster making key catches against Oregon State and Illinois. The outcome of this effective and varied passing game is a stretched out defense, better running lanes for Royster and Stephfon Green, and the Big 10's number one offense.

The Nittany Lions will certainly face tougher games, like road tests against Wisconsin and Ohio State. But JayPa's gamble on a spread offense with NFL passing options has paid off so far...and he can thank Daryll Clark for that.