Here in the rust belt our brains are firmly tuned to the internal combustible.  We at The Rivalry, Esq. say why reject a metaphorical opportunity to shift gears and take the offenses of the Big 10 for a spin?  You look at an offense and see Lycra, calf muscles, and pads.  We see cylinders, gear boxes, and tachometers.

Without further adieu, if your favorite Big 10 offense was a car, it'd be a...

1. 2002 Pontiac Sunfire SE (Indiana Hoosiers)

Looks fast, and so do Kellen Lewis, Marcus Thigpen, and the rest of the defend the rock jocks.  The numbers are showroom shiny, too.  The third best offense in the conference averages 6.1 yards a play and 424 yards a game.  But while this may be an okay ride to inherit as a hand-me-down from your older sister when you're 16, this pseudo sport chassis gets the shakes above 80 mph.  That's the speed, incidentially, of Big 10 conference play.  Despite scoring 31 and 45 points in its opening out of conference games, the Hoosiers have struggled, managing 20, 29, 7, and 9 points against Big 10 opponents.  The good news, there's plenty of cup holders.  Which makes sense, because this offense is better suited for the drive-through than the track.

Indiana Hoosiers.

2. 2007 Ford Mustang Automatic (Wisconsin Badgers)

Great horsepower for the buck, but this modern muscle is overfed, and outdated.  Unlike the 1968 Shelby used by the Dukes of Hazzard, this ride doesn't have a prayer of getting off the ground.  Sounds like Wisconsin's passing game.

3. 1975 Porsche 911 Turbo (Purdue Boilermakers)

Smart looking, and devilishly deceptive.  Don't let Curtis Painter's 10,216 career passing yards fool you -- he's frequently as loose as this Porsche's handling.  With no power steering, many an unsuspecting driver has wrapped this pocket rocket around a tree.  If Curtis Painter's 23 for 51 performance against Ohio State shows anything it's that inaccuracy kills.

Purdue Boilermakers.

4. 1998 BMW Z3 (Illinois Fighting Illini)

Smart, sophisticated, and paper thin, this roadster looks good from a distance but fumbles under pressure.  It's also subject to rollovers turnovers.

5. 1995 Infiniti Q45 (Iowa Hawkeyes)

Nicely balanced, a little worn down, the Hawkeyes have laid down a respectable 1309 yards on the ground and 1399 yards in the air.  Still, this analog effort has seen better days -- just like this sedan that seems to have been relegated to mall parking lots.

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Back in August Graham (in a pure moment of unbridled hopefulness) put together an index of 11 Things he wanted to see this year in the Big 10. 

As we round the corner into the ides of October and the middle-point of the 2008 regular season I think it's time to revisit Mr. Filler's wish list in reverse chronological order. 

Filler want's Ohio State to show up for once if they travel west.  Franz would settle for a good place to drown the sorrows after the game.  Bobbie's Buckeye Bar seems to fit the bill landfill.

#11 - If Ohio State Makes it to a Bowl Game, I Would Appreciate if they Showed Up

Me too buddy.  The No. 12 Ohio State Buckeyes are 5-1 at present.  Although they face difficult tests, on the road against No. 23 Michigan State and at home against No. 6 Penn State, four of their remaining six conference opponents are unranked making it likely they'll clear the sixth game threshold to bowl eligibility.

Okay, so we're confident we'll see the scarlet land somewhere on the other side of December: where could that be, and will they show up?  I think last week's performance in Madison, Wisconsin is indicative of how Ohio State will perform throughout the rest of the conference slate.  With a wise beyond his years freshman firmly entrenched in the starting quarterback slot and enforcement north/south dimension to the power run, it looks like the Buckeyes are firing on all cylinders. 

The best case scenario sees the Bucks sweeping the remainder of the conference slate and landing in the (strangely foreign for the three time defending Big 10 Champions) Rose Bowl Game.  There, they're likely to run back into No. 8 USC.  Although the Buckeyes were soundly destroyed by the Trojans 35-3 in a September 13th disappointment, that team was without the run threat with Chris "Beanie" Wells sidelined, and a cohesive identity behind center.  If Jim Tressel is reacquainted with his Golaith, expect him to play more aggressive power football, wringing the washrag between the tackles.  Although it's too early to tell if the increased potency will have the Trojans confused -- et tu, Brute? -- I'm confident the Bucks will meet their burden of proof by "showing up" in Pasadena.

On the other hand, the worse case scenario for Ohio State involves them picking up anywhere from two to three additional losses, likely against Michigan State, Penn State, and (if we're really playing race to the bottom) arch nemesis Michigan.  Now, the 10-2 (9-3) Buckeyes finish third in conference and land a date to the Outback Bowl in Tampa, FL where they'll hit helmets with (goody, goody) the No. 4 finisher in the Southeastern Conference.  My pick here is this will mean a reunion with (oh sh*t) No. 11 Florida.  Although the Buckeyes are 0-9 against SEC foes and got blasted by the Gators in the 2006 BCS National Championship, I like the way this team lines up against Urban Meyer's swamp things.  Flordia lacks a discernable ground threat outside of their Heisman under center, giving the Ohio State defense the ability to play soft and put extra emphasis on the pass attack.  While I can't guarantee they'll stop the slide against southern gentry, I'm confident the Bucks will at least "show up" on the other side of December.

#10 - I Want Minnesota to Stop Embarrassing the Big 10.

Since it's hard to embarass one's conference from within, I'll take this to mean a representative showing in out of conference play.  Tim Brewster's sophomore Golden Gophers went 4-0 against MAC, Big Sky, and Sun Belt competition.  While it's not trophy case material, their 5-1 start (including 1-0 in the Big 10) is certainly redeeming.  Consider this wish granded.

From embarrassment to endorsement, Tim Brewster's Golden Gophers are on their way up.

#9 - I Want More Heartwarming Stories.

There's nothing more "heartwarming" than Joe Paterno's grandfather to granddaddy resurgence.  Although, I think what Graham was going for was a continued in house transformation for the Indiana Hoosiers.  Despite a promising 2-0 opening, the crimson and cream are curdling in the midst of a three game losing streak.  With Kellen Lewis struggling on and off the field this one doesn't look promising. 

#8 - I Want to Avoid a Repeat of the Monster 2007 Upsets

Said like a true Michigan fan.  Okay, here's where we're at.  Early 2008 saw the Big Ten go a respectable 31-9 in out of conference play.  Stacked up against the rest of the BCS universe, we're a competitve third. 

Courtesy: ACC Football Report

But this question really calls upon our ability to discern whether the Big 10 got doused by the underfooted challengers.  Here's the Big 10's record against 1A/FCS Competition:

Courtesy: ACC Football Report

Let's focus on the two losses.  Indiana lost to Ball State 42-20, and Michigan lost to Utah 25-23.  Ball State is undefeated and ranked 25th in the latest AP Poll.  Utah is undefeated and ranked 14th in the latest AP Poll.  Needless to say these were not "upsets" in the traditional sense of the word.  Since the Big 10 emerged from the cupcack chronicles unburnt, Graham gets his wish.

No more of this, at least for now.

#7 - I Want a Wide Receiver to get his Name in the Headlines.

Graham said it best when he identified that "[t]he problems for Big 10 wide receivers are two fold: First...[t]he attitude of run first, pass second does not lend itself to grooming WR's and many teams have moved in that direction.  Second, the best wide receivers according to CFN (Brian Robiskie of OSU, Andy Brodell of Iowa, Eric Decker, Jr of Minnesota, Derrick Williams of PSU, Arrelious Benn of Illinois) all play on teams that may not be able to nurture a breakout season for these talented players."

How right you are friend.  While Brian Robiskie leads the Buckeyes with 22 catches he's managed a meger 213 yards and 4 touchdowns.  Andy Brodell is runner up at Iowa: 20 for 278 and 2 touchdowns.  Derreck Williams has 19 receptions for 240 yards and 1 touchdown at Penn State, and Arrelious Benn has landed 25 receptions for 382 yards and 2 touchdowns for the Fighting Illini.  None of them have managed to break into the national consciousness. 

But what about Eric Decker, Jr.?  Not only does he lead the Big 10 with 50 receptions for 696 yards and 4 touchdowns, he's first in the nation.  That's got to get you some face time, right?

Wrong.  ESPN has made nary a mention of Mr. Decker's exploits.  This one's not looking good Graham.

(To be continued)

Amazingly, for the second consecutive week, the Big 10 will boast a battle of the ranked when (it seemed like only yesterday they were at the center of the national championship race) No. 14 Ohio State heads to Camp Randall to take on the (it seemed like only yesterday they were in the top ten) No. 18 Wisconsin in a scotch and soda shakeup that's suddenly a bit watered down. 

We've heard this before.  Last year, the Badger's visit to Columbus was set to be a coup de grace collision before Wisconsin crashed at Illinois, and burned at Penn State on an early October road tour.

Big game debauche-ry?  James Laurinaitis takes out Wisconsin punter Ken DeBauche on a failed punt attempt.  The Buckeyes swallowed the Badgers 38-17 in Columbus last year.

Last week, Wisconsin went on the road to face an unranked and uninspiring Michigan and got taken down in Ann Arbor town, despite leading 19-0 at the half.  And to think I called them "road tested."

Still, despite its B-Side bleed out, this Camp Randall chronicle is loaded with Midwestern might.  So much so that this half of The Rivalry, Esq. is leaving the comfort of Central Ohio and hot wing Flapper Sofa comas for a road trip to Madison.  Here are the on and off the field elements I can't wait to see in person:

The grounds for Camp Randall Stadium were employed as a training ground for Union troops in the Civil War.  This freezing rain fortress is brutal at night. 

1. Home field advantage

Despite their struggles elsewhere, the Badgers are undefeated at home under coach Bret Bielema.  In fact, they've won 27 of their last 28 at Camp Randall, the freezing rain fortress that ever so frequently blinds visiting teams in a gyroscopic trance. 

The last time the Buckeyes traveled to Wisconsin was 2003, where they faced a 17-10 loss that snapped a 19-game winning streak.

Perhaps Jim Tressel describes the atmosphere best, "You can't hear," he says. 

2. Cover 2 meets the tight end tandem

I had lunch this afternoon with a friend who made the ill-fated pilgrimage to Southern California to watch then No. 5 Ohio State sandbag the remaining scraps of its big game reputation against the then No. 1 Trojans.  He mentioned that the Coliseum scoreboard ran a "Know Your Football" feature which presciently asked the crowd in the first quarter "What's the best offense to run against a Cover 2 defense?"

The answer: Stretch the safeties with four vertical receivers, and throw to the tight end up the middle, like this:

Courtesy ESPN.  If the doodle doesn't do it for you, do a You Tube search for Ohio State v. Florida, or Ohio State v. LSU, or Ohio State v. USC.  I see a pattern.

The question is can Wisconsin quarterback Allan Evridge, who struggled to keep his pants up at Michigan (54.1 CMP%) get the ball downfield to Travis Beckum, argubly the best tight end in the country?

3. TP vs. The Red Sea

Ohio State's famed frosh quarterback Terrelle Pryor hasn't faced a hostile environment since taking over full offensive rein.  Will the 12-man barrage of U.C. Berkeley rejects UW undergrads be enough to stunt his senses and force slip ups?

4. P.J. and the Bean

Will one or both megaton tailbacks have a breakthrough night?  This meat and potatoes match up will determine just how variable each team needs to be on offense.  The Rivalry, Esq. thinks one will be hot and the other cold.  As for who, we don't have a clue.

"Taking steps forward." Whether you're in AA or trying to date someone, this expression is key to success...It appears that the 2008 Purdue Boilermaker football team has failed to follow the aforementioned phrase. Proof? Saturday's 17 point loss to a beatable Notre Dame team, veteran QB Curtis Painter's inability to manage an offense he has been running for four years, the linebackers inability to stop the run....

Painter, because he is the QB at a Big 10 school, is sure to take brunt of the blame. A four year veteran with a strong arm and good size, Painter was supposed to lead the Boilermakers through their brutal schedule. Instead, Painter had shown an inability to finish drives with TD passes and as one Purdue follower commented, seems to have developed the "yips," ala Rick Ankiel whipping the ball to the backstop in 2001. Painters stats Saturday are a microcosm of his overall inconsistency:

29-55, 359 yards, 2 touchdowns, 1 INT (returned for a TD)

What happens now? The undersized LB's couldn't stop the normally decrepit ND running game, giving up 201 yards on the ground...so the thought of physical Big 10 play probably doesn't give Boilermaker fans anything to look forward to. Purdue is currently 2-2, but could easily be 2-5, with consecutive games versus Penn State, Ohio State, and surprising Northwestern. You better believe Evan Royster, Beanie Wells, and Tyrelle Sutton are licking their chops.

Off the Tracks, Purdue Blogger: "We succeeded only in making Jimmy Clausen looks like Joe Montana and Armando Allen look like Marcus Allen."

Predestination, a doctrine supported by many Calvinists and folks living in Big Ten Country, is the general belief that God has already determined the course of events on this earth. Assuming that John Calvin was onto something, I have a strong feeling that the Trojans of USC have already won Saturday's game against Ohio State University. In fact, I just cannot imagine Him decreeing any other result in the showdown at the Coliseum.

Our SoCal friends over at Conquest Chronicles, in the spirit of humbleness and at the risk of losing all their readers, have made a pretty convincing case that Ohio State will not only hold their own against USC, but will dominate the game. Read this absolute foolishness here. The "psychological battle" argument is the star of their article.

The Reasons Behind My Beliefs

Where do I start? USC just doesn't lose regular season non-conference games. Since 2002, the Trojans are 15-1 in these early season tests,including stonings of traditional powers like Auburn, Virginia Tech, Nebraska, and Notre Dame. Coach Pete Carroll has recruited with religious zeal and instilled in his players an attitude of complete confidence. This recruiting/coaching recipe has led to early season blowouts of solid teams. This year looks to be no different, especially after the Trojans took the sword to Virginia in a 52-7 victory. The defense mixed up its blitz packages and attacked Virginia's quarterback relentlessly, leading to sacks and incompletions. Mark Sanchez and the stable of versatile running backs looked healthy and efficient in the aforementioned Virginia game.

Healthy and efficient are two words not being used to describe the Ohio State Buckeyes right now. Beanie Wells and his wounded foot will lack the explosiveness necessary to make a dent in USC's defense. Although USC's Conquest Chronicles suggests that Wells is merely resting his injured foot and playing possum, the Big Ten Network reported that Wells didn't play a full contact down the entire week after missing the Ohio University game. Wells will need to be miraculously healed to be a major factor against the fast, hard hitting Trojan D.On top of that, the other OSU running backs lack the north-south running ability of Wells and scat backs typically have trouble with the NFL-like quickness of the USC linebacking corp.

The resting place for the hopes and dreams of the 2008 Ohio State Buckeyes.

Of course if Pete Carroll and the Trojans watched any tape of the aforementioned Ohio game, he is sure to notice the horrendous performance by Todd Boeckman. Boeckman's sad statistics against the Bobcats (110 yards passing, 3 sacks, 0 touchdowns) don't even begin to show his lack of leadership and inability to deliver the ball to the wide receivers. And now I'm supposed to believe that Boeckman will walk into the Coliseum and lead the underdog Bucks to victory? He could barely lead them to a home victory against Ohio U!

Asking for a Miracle

The Ohio State University football team has taken major steps backward since the beginning of the season. Once thought of as an inescapably solid veteran team with an ace in the hole (QB Terrelle Pryor), now the Buck's have a wounded superstar, a struggling offense, and a defense that looked confused at times against a mid-major opponent. On top of that, they accepted an invitation to play a USC team that destroys non-conference teams and has so much depth that five star recruits happily sit on the bench.

The Buckeye's have been humbled and lost their air of invincibility. Will they rise from their lowly status and defeat the Trojans, like the great Biblical King Nebuchadnezzar of the Book of Daniel coming back from the wild to have his kingdom restored? I have a feeling the result of this game has already been ordained...and the Buckeye's won't be happy about the outcome