Here in the rust belt our brains are firmly tuned to the internal combustible.  We at The Rivalry, Esq. say why reject a metaphorical opportunity to shift gears and take the offenses of the Big 10 for a spin?  You look at an offense and see Lycra, calf muscles, and pads.  We see cylinders, gear boxes, and tachometers.

Without further adieu, if your favorite Big 10 offense was a car, it'd be a...

1. 2002 Pontiac Sunfire SE (Indiana Hoosiers)

Looks fast, and so do Kellen Lewis, Marcus Thigpen, and the rest of the defend the rock jocks.  The numbers are showroom shiny, too.  The third best offense in the conference averages 6.1 yards a play and 424 yards a game.  But while this may be an okay ride to inherit as a hand-me-down from your older sister when you're 16, this pseudo sport chassis gets the shakes above 80 mph.  That's the speed, incidentially, of Big 10 conference play.  Despite scoring 31 and 45 points in its opening out of conference games, the Hoosiers have struggled, managing 20, 29, 7, and 9 points against Big 10 opponents.  The good news, there's plenty of cup holders.  Which makes sense, because this offense is better suited for the drive-through than the track.

Indiana Hoosiers.

2. 2007 Ford Mustang Automatic (Wisconsin Badgers)

Great horsepower for the buck, but this modern muscle is overfed, and outdated.  Unlike the 1968 Shelby used by the Dukes of Hazzard, this ride doesn't have a prayer of getting off the ground.  Sounds like Wisconsin's passing game.

3. 1975 Porsche 911 Turbo (Purdue Boilermakers)

Smart looking, and devilishly deceptive.  Don't let Curtis Painter's 10,216 career passing yards fool you -- he's frequently as loose as this Porsche's handling.  With no power steering, many an unsuspecting driver has wrapped this pocket rocket around a tree.  If Curtis Painter's 23 for 51 performance against Ohio State shows anything it's that inaccuracy kills.

Purdue Boilermakers.

4. 1998 BMW Z3 (Illinois Fighting Illini)

Smart, sophisticated, and paper thin, this roadster looks good from a distance but fumbles under pressure.  It's also subject to rollovers turnovers.

5. 1995 Infiniti Q45 (Iowa Hawkeyes)

Nicely balanced, a little worn down, the Hawkeyes have laid down a respectable 1309 yards on the ground and 1399 yards in the air.  Still, this analog effort has seen better days -- just like this sedan that seems to have been relegated to mall parking lots.

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Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.

- Emily Dickinson (Because I Could Not Stop for Death)

Among other accomplishments, Emily Dickinson (1830-1886) was known to be a patron of sporting enterprise.  It's no stretch then to imagine that with gentle stroke and patient verse she foreshadowed the demise of the one-dimensional offense.

As we ebb closer to All Hollows Eve, and the beginning of the end in the national championship race, it's a perfect time to look to literature to explain our on the field dysfunctions.  Who says football fans don't like poetry?

We slowly drove, he knew no haste,

Sounds like Woody Hayes and the "three yards and a cloud of dust" mentality.  Brutish simplicity, unimaginative precision.  But I think Emily Dickinson might have been talking about No. 12 Ohio State's Offensive Coordinator Jim Bollman who put half of Ohio Stadium to sleep in a 16-3 win over Purdue, who should probably stay in the frozen chicken business.  (A Purdue spokesperson informs me the university has no affiliation with Perdue Farms and asks that I provide the following link so there's no confusion).  First down: run up the middle, short gain.  Second down: run to the side, short gain.  Surprise, it's third and long.  Why don't you try a throw now?  Surely they won't expect it.

And I had put away
My labor, and my leisure too,
For his civility

It's a good idea to spend all of spring practice and summer camp priming for potency, only to hold back in August and September.  Or maybe some offenses really do give it their all, but simply don't have the talent to execute.  Dickinson might be referring to Michigan and Rich Rodriguez's hopelessly inaccurate pass attack.  Nick Sheridan went just 8 of 16 for 65 yards in the Wolverine's 13-10 loss to Toledo, who went into the Big House with a 1-4 record, having lost to illiminaries like Flordia International.  Steven Threet was 7 of 11 for 55 yards.  Talk about civility.

We paused before house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.

Sounds a lot like Wisconsin failing to convert on third down by running up the middle and getting piled for a loss.  If only they had a passing game.  Oh wait, here's one.  Allan Evridge is back, he throws across the middle, it's...intercepted by Penn State's Lydell Sargeant.  Consider the Badgers buried.

I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.

Ohio State's offensive line, anyone?  Built for power, not for speed.  Undone by lighter, lateral fronts.

The bottom line: Big 10 offenses cannot continue to survive as sleeping giants.  Coordinators from Columbus to Madison must install motion, variety, and multi-dimensionality to avoid fatal exhaustion.