Here in the rust belt our brains are firmly tuned to the internal combustible.  We at The Rivalry, Esq. say why reject a metaphorical opportunity to shift gears and take the offenses of the Big 10 for a spin?  You look at an offense and see Lycra, calf muscles, and pads.  We see cylinders, gear boxes, and tachometers.

Without further adieu, if your favorite Big 10 offense was a car, it'd be a...

1. 2002 Pontiac Sunfire SE (Indiana Hoosiers)

Looks fast, and so do Kellen Lewis, Marcus Thigpen, and the rest of the defend the rock jocks.  The numbers are showroom shiny, too.  The third best offense in the conference averages 6.1 yards a play and 424 yards a game.  But while this may be an okay ride to inherit as a hand-me-down from your older sister when you're 16, this pseudo sport chassis gets the shakes above 80 mph.  That's the speed, incidentially, of Big 10 conference play.  Despite scoring 31 and 45 points in its opening out of conference games, the Hoosiers have struggled, managing 20, 29, 7, and 9 points against Big 10 opponents.  The good news, there's plenty of cup holders.  Which makes sense, because this offense is better suited for the drive-through than the track.

Indiana Hoosiers.

2. 2007 Ford Mustang Automatic (Wisconsin Badgers)

Great horsepower for the buck, but this modern muscle is overfed, and outdated.  Unlike the 1968 Shelby used by the Dukes of Hazzard, this ride doesn't have a prayer of getting off the ground.  Sounds like Wisconsin's passing game.

3. 1975 Porsche 911 Turbo (Purdue Boilermakers)

Smart looking, and devilishly deceptive.  Don't let Curtis Painter's 10,216 career passing yards fool you -- he's frequently as loose as this Porsche's handling.  With no power steering, many an unsuspecting driver has wrapped this pocket rocket around a tree.  If Curtis Painter's 23 for 51 performance against Ohio State shows anything it's that inaccuracy kills.

Purdue Boilermakers.

4. 1998 BMW Z3 (Illinois Fighting Illini)

Smart, sophisticated, and paper thin, this roadster looks good from a distance but fumbles under pressure.  It's also subject to rollovers turnovers.

5. 1995 Infiniti Q45 (Iowa Hawkeyes)

Nicely balanced, a little worn down, the Hawkeyes have laid down a respectable 1309 yards on the ground and 1399 yards in the air.  Still, this analog effort has seen better days -- just like this sedan that seems to have been relegated to mall parking lots.

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Back in August Graham (in a pure moment of unbridled hopefulness) put together an index of 11 Things he wanted to see this year in the Big 10. 

As we round the corner into the ides of October and the middle-point of the 2008 regular season I think it's time to revisit Mr. Filler's wish list in reverse chronological order. 

Filler want's Ohio State to show up for once if they travel west.  Franz would settle for a good place to drown the sorrows after the game.  Bobbie's Buckeye Bar seems to fit the bill landfill.

#11 - If Ohio State Makes it to a Bowl Game, I Would Appreciate if they Showed Up

Me too buddy.  The No. 12 Ohio State Buckeyes are 5-1 at present.  Although they face difficult tests, on the road against No. 23 Michigan State and at home against No. 6 Penn State, four of their remaining six conference opponents are unranked making it likely they'll clear the sixth game threshold to bowl eligibility.

Okay, so we're confident we'll see the scarlet land somewhere on the other side of December: where could that be, and will they show up?  I think last week's performance in Madison, Wisconsin is indicative of how Ohio State will perform throughout the rest of the conference slate.  With a wise beyond his years freshman firmly entrenched in the starting quarterback slot and enforcement north/south dimension to the power run, it looks like the Buckeyes are firing on all cylinders. 

The best case scenario sees the Bucks sweeping the remainder of the conference slate and landing in the (strangely foreign for the three time defending Big 10 Champions) Rose Bowl Game.  There, they're likely to run back into No. 8 USC.  Although the Buckeyes were soundly destroyed by the Trojans 35-3 in a September 13th disappointment, that team was without the run threat with Chris "Beanie" Wells sidelined, and a cohesive identity behind center.  If Jim Tressel is reacquainted with his Golaith, expect him to play more aggressive power football, wringing the washrag between the tackles.  Although it's too early to tell if the increased potency will have the Trojans confused -- et tu, Brute? -- I'm confident the Bucks will meet their burden of proof by "showing up" in Pasadena.

On the other hand, the worse case scenario for Ohio State involves them picking up anywhere from two to three additional losses, likely against Michigan State, Penn State, and (if we're really playing race to the bottom) arch nemesis Michigan.  Now, the 10-2 (9-3) Buckeyes finish third in conference and land a date to the Outback Bowl in Tampa, FL where they'll hit helmets with (goody, goody) the No. 4 finisher in the Southeastern Conference.  My pick here is this will mean a reunion with (oh sh*t) No. 11 Florida.  Although the Buckeyes are 0-9 against SEC foes and got blasted by the Gators in the 2006 BCS National Championship, I like the way this team lines up against Urban Meyer's swamp things.  Flordia lacks a discernable ground threat outside of their Heisman under center, giving the Ohio State defense the ability to play soft and put extra emphasis on the pass attack.  While I can't guarantee they'll stop the slide against southern gentry, I'm confident the Bucks will at least "show up" on the other side of December.

#10 - I Want Minnesota to Stop Embarrassing the Big 10.

Since it's hard to embarass one's conference from within, I'll take this to mean a representative showing in out of conference play.  Tim Brewster's sophomore Golden Gophers went 4-0 against MAC, Big Sky, and Sun Belt competition.  While it's not trophy case material, their 5-1 start (including 1-0 in the Big 10) is certainly redeeming.  Consider this wish granded.

From embarrassment to endorsement, Tim Brewster's Golden Gophers are on their way up.

#9 - I Want More Heartwarming Stories.

There's nothing more "heartwarming" than Joe Paterno's grandfather to granddaddy resurgence.  Although, I think what Graham was going for was a continued in house transformation for the Indiana Hoosiers.  Despite a promising 2-0 opening, the crimson and cream are curdling in the midst of a three game losing streak.  With Kellen Lewis struggling on and off the field this one doesn't look promising. 

#8 - I Want to Avoid a Repeat of the Monster 2007 Upsets

Said like a true Michigan fan.  Okay, here's where we're at.  Early 2008 saw the Big Ten go a respectable 31-9 in out of conference play.  Stacked up against the rest of the BCS universe, we're a competitve third. 

Courtesy: ACC Football Report

But this question really calls upon our ability to discern whether the Big 10 got doused by the underfooted challengers.  Here's the Big 10's record against 1A/FCS Competition:

Courtesy: ACC Football Report

Let's focus on the two losses.  Indiana lost to Ball State 42-20, and Michigan lost to Utah 25-23.  Ball State is undefeated and ranked 25th in the latest AP Poll.  Utah is undefeated and ranked 14th in the latest AP Poll.  Needless to say these were not "upsets" in the traditional sense of the word.  Since the Big 10 emerged from the cupcack chronicles unburnt, Graham gets his wish.

No more of this, at least for now.

#7 - I Want a Wide Receiver to get his Name in the Headlines.

Graham said it best when he identified that "[t]he problems for Big 10 wide receivers are two fold: First...[t]he attitude of run first, pass second does not lend itself to grooming WR's and many teams have moved in that direction.  Second, the best wide receivers according to CFN (Brian Robiskie of OSU, Andy Brodell of Iowa, Eric Decker, Jr of Minnesota, Derrick Williams of PSU, Arrelious Benn of Illinois) all play on teams that may not be able to nurture a breakout season for these talented players."

How right you are friend.  While Brian Robiskie leads the Buckeyes with 22 catches he's managed a meger 213 yards and 4 touchdowns.  Andy Brodell is runner up at Iowa: 20 for 278 and 2 touchdowns.  Derreck Williams has 19 receptions for 240 yards and 1 touchdown at Penn State, and Arrelious Benn has landed 25 receptions for 382 yards and 2 touchdowns for the Fighting Illini.  None of them have managed to break into the national consciousness. 

But what about Eric Decker, Jr.?  Not only does he lead the Big 10 with 50 receptions for 696 yards and 4 touchdowns, he's first in the nation.  That's got to get you some face time, right?

Wrong.  ESPN has made nary a mention of Mr. Decker's exploits.  This one's not looking good Graham.

(To be continued)

Michigan State Spartans 23, Notre Dame Fighting Irish 7

In the midst of another rushing explosion, one Notre Dame blogger mentioned that if the ABC analysts continued praising Javon Ringer so effusively, the commentator might be engaged to the Spartan running back by the time the game was over. It has been that kind of season for Ringer and the Spartan offensive line, but there was an overlooked factor in this 23-7 MSU victory: the Spartans defense played a flawless game. The Irish were held to 16 yards rushing and QB Jimmy Clausen endured three sacks and two interceptions. Individual performances don't measure the Sparties dominance, although safety Otis Wiley (2 INT'S) and DE Brandon Long (2 sacks) padded their stats. The Spartan front 4 spent the entire game in Notre Dame's backfield, disrupting any ideas the Irish had about an upset. This performance, after shutting out Florida Atlantic, gives rise to the notion that maybe there is more to this Michigan State team than a Heisman candidate at tailback.

(Fun Fact: Wiley is tied for the NCAA lead in interceptions with 4)

No Heisman for these fellows, but they deserve some attention.

Saturday's Challenge: @ Bloomington to face the Indiana Hoosiers

The Spartans scored 52 points last year against Indiana on a perfect fall night in East Lansing. Can this be repeated? Javon Ringer is the key to this years Spartan attack and Indiana will surely pack the box with defenders, daring Brian Hoyer to throw to Mark Dell and company. Advantages abound for the Spartans on offense; in the Hoosier's only challenging game, its defensive unit was hammered repeatedly by Ball State's running backs.

On defense, the Spartan's D-line will be under the spotlight because of talented QB Kellen Lewis. Lewis has proved that he can run the ball (5th in the Big 10 in rushing yards), so the Spartans will have to keep him in the pocket. If the Spartans can keep the Indiana QB contained, possibly by spying him with an extra linebacker, than Lewis will be forced to beat MSU with his erratic arm.